Why Being Nice to Yourself Feels So Hard
And How To Start
If self compassion feels uncomfortable, pointless, or even impossible, there’s a reason.
Your nervous system learned something early on about what kept you safe.
Imagine you’re a little kid again.
Whatever age pops into your mind first - go with that. Don’t overthink it.
Picture yourself in the kitchen of your childhood home.
You’re trying really hard to be good. To do everything “right.”
Maybe you’re cleaning up your toys because you know your mom doesn’t like a mess.
Maybe you’re coloring quietly so you don’t disturb anyone.
Maybe you’re helping your sibling because you know it makes your parents proud.
And every time you’re good… every time you’re easy… every time you make things smooth for the adults around you…
they smile.
They relax.
They praise you.
In your little kid brain, this becomes the formula for love and safety:
Be helpful. Be easy. Be small. Be perfect.
Now imagine another moment.
You’re overwhelmed.
Maybe you spilled something.
Maybe something happened at school.
Maybe you were told no.
You cry. You yell. You’re flooded with feelings.
And instead of comfort, you hear:
“Why are you being so dramatic?”
“Get over it.”
“I don’t have have time for this.”
“Go to your room.”
Or maybe nothing is said at all. But you feel the disconnection.
The withdrawal.
The disappointment.
The isolation.
And your nervous system learns something even deeper:
When I’m emotional, messy, or too much… love pulls away. Safety disappears.
Now you’re grown up.
Anytime you feel overwhelmed, emotional, or imperfect, that same voice shows up:
Hold it together.
Don’t burden anyone.
Be better.
Stay in control.
But now the voice is your own.
You criticize yourself before anyone else can.
You try to protect yourself from reliving those moments where love felt conditional.
So of course being gentle with yourself feels dangerous.
Softness feels wrong.
Self-compassion feels frivolous.
But here’s what that critical voice doesn’t realize…
You aren’t a child anymore.
You’re not standing in that kitchen trying to earn approval.
You’re not at risk of losing love because you spilled something, had a big feeling, or needed support.
You’re an adult now- with agency, independence, and choice.
You don’t need that old protective voice keeping you small or perfect anymore.
It’s not necessary in the way it once was.
And in fact, it’s holding you back - keeping you stuck in fight or flight, rather than helping you move forward.
It’s safe now to be kind to yourself.
Softness isn’t dangerous anymore.
It’s grounding.
It’s stabilizing.
And it’s far more productive than criticism ever was.
So when you hear that critical inner voice, you might gently say:
“Thank you for trying to protect me. But I’m safe now. I’ve got me.”
And then, instead of turning on yourself, you can turn toward that younger version of you, the little one standing in that kitchen, and offer her what she needed back then:
You’re allowed to screw up.
It’s okay to have big, messy feelings.
You can take up space.
You’re not too much.
I’m here with you, and I’m not going anywhere.
This is self compassion.
Not cheesy platitudes.
Not false positivity.
Not letting yourself off the hook.
Simply allowing yourself to be whole.
If you felt a “yes” while reading this, you don’t have to work through it alone.
I help highly sensitive women move out of survival mode and into a kinder, steadier relationship with themselves.
Apply to work with me here.